I’ve been going to therapy for years. Sometimes more regularly than others. I always find the therapy sessions when I feel like I don’t have much to talk about are the ones that are the most impactful.

Probably because you’re not going in crisis or full-blown nervous system activation, but you’re going just to… I don’t know, heal? Be better? You get the point.

Basically, my advice is that you shouldn’t cancel therapy sessions if you feel like you don’t need them.

We all need it.

I went, sat on the couch, and declined the coffee because I am trying to cut back (why do I love coffee so much).

For the first time since I have been seeing her, we talked about my stepkids’ mom.

Yes, how crazy is that?

I have been seeing this therapist for a couple of years now, and we’ve never really talked in depth about this particular topic.

We dove into the little things like:

How my stepdaughter, despite us being so close, will never share me on her stories or do the happy birthday story post she does for everyone else.

I know this has nothing to do with our relationship and is more to do with loyalty binds.

Not a huge deal.

But also… I notice it every time.

For holidays, sometimes my stepkids’ mom does them, sometimes she doesn’t, so I need to wait around to plan ours to see if the kids will be around or not.

How in this phase of life it’s nice we’re all great with the kids, but there is sometimes this underlying feeling I have that they feel bad for their mom.

Or maybe that’s not it.

Maybe it’s that they don’t want to trigger something in her.

The role I could never quite define

For context, in our situation, our household was responsible for a lot of the jobs when it came to making sure the kids had what they needed.

Shopping. Winter coats. Boots. Extracurriculars. Back-to-school shopping.

In the coparenting plan, they were on our list.

During our conversations, I was talking about various situations in our stepfamily life where I would step back for their mom, because of course, she should do it.

She’s their mom.

But then, other times, when there were things I thought she would want to do, they were on me.

Which was fine.

It was mostly the unpredictability of the situation.

Which I always said was fine. But now I am seeing that it wasn’t.

Because when you never know who is supposed to step in, you’re constantly trying to read the room.

The constant wondering becomes exhausting.

My therapist pointed out that often I would say, “and that’s fine, she is their mom.”

And that my tone had this pull of empathy and also frustration and resentment.

Without going into too much detail, sometimes things would be claimed as something she wanted and then the kids would be left disappointed.

We unpacked that it wasn’t so much her role.

It was the uncertainty that led to me figuring out what my role was.

Good enough until you’re not.

Unsure when to step in and step back.

It was the inconsistency really.

The behind the scenes part no one sees

This is in no way to put someone down.

We all have different ways of doing things. Different priorities. Different bandwidth.

I actually wrote some examples out here, but they didn’t feel fair to include.

The examples didn’t really matter anyway.

What it felt like behind the scenes was that I was often the go-to.

“Get the Poptart to do it.”

That was a line we heard very early on in the years.

But then, when those glory parenting moments came, I needed to back up and know my place.

And sometimes, like last minute, when it came to the execution, it would fall back on me again.

The Poptart.

This was triggering for me because inconsistency was something that I experienced as a child too.

When you never know how your parent is going to show up.

If they are going to show up.

What their priority is that day.

It can be anxiety inducing.

Hello anxious attachment style.

I think it makes me extra sensitive to it all.

Dealing With An Inconsistent Ex

The inconsistency in our relationship has always been something that I struggled with too.

We’ve had nights out with mutual friends.

Long supportive phone calls.

Periods where we don’t talk.

Times where I’m included.

Times where I’m blatantly excluded.

I wish people could speak more about the shame that can come from when their coparenting relationship is not what they envisioned.

But there are so many things that need to be in place for that to happen.

Everyone has to be in the space to do that.

What I Realized In Therapy

In this session we unpacked what is really upsetting for me when it comes to my stepkids’ mom.

My belief is that she trumps me at any time.

She is the mom.

It wasn’t that. It was that she has never been consistent on what that actually looks like.

So it’s the inconsistency.

The not being able to fully define how I show up.

Needing to wait for her move, to see what mine would be.

As someone who shows their love by doing and caring for people, it made it difficult.

Why I never talk about her in therapy.

It’s interesting to me that I never talk about the ex in therapy. But honestly, despite the ongoing legal situations and the difference in opinion, we’ve got to a place where it was what it was.

I spent therapy sessions diving into childhood trauma, my attachment style, my need to solve everyone’s problems, my desire to push and prove. (More on that someday?)

But what I realized in that therapy session is that it was never really about the tasks.

My resentment has never come from having to do more for them. I loved it.

I want to show up for the kids.

I love doing these things.

What exhausted me was the constant recalculating.

Am I doing this?
Is this going to trigger her?
Does she want to do it?
Will she actually do it?

When the rules change depending on the moment, it makes even the simplest things exhausting.

And if you’re a stepmom reading this and quietly doing the same mental math every day, trying to figure out when to step in and when to step back… you’re probably more exhausted than you even realize.