When I say the quiet parts of stepmom life out loud, inevitably, someone ends up in my inbox, triggered by what I say.
In the past, this would have bothered me.
And honestly, there’s still a part of me that wants to jump in with,
“No, no. You don’t get what I’m saying. Let me explain.”
I started this platform with the goal of being liked by everyone.
Years ago, I wrote for Stepmom Magazine and was mortified when they shared a section of my article that didn’t show the full message. I worried it could come off as negative. I messaged the publisher and asked her to take it down immediately.
For years, I tiptoed around the real stepmom experience, creating vanilla content that made people feel seen. And it did that well.
But looking back, it missed something.
The element of calling women forward. Holding up a mirror. Allowing them to move from a victim mentality to being in control of their lives, despite being in the trenches.
(and if reading the word victim mentality made you want to jump at me, hear me out)
After doing this for several years, I know this to be true.
Being liked by everyone doesn’t create the change I’m here for.
Not for me.
And not for my clients.
I’m speaking to a specific kind of stepmom.
The ones who know, deep down, that something needs to change.
The ones who are done waiting for other people to shift and are ready to take their lives into their own hands.
I’m speaking to the stepmoms who realize their stepfamily dynamic doesn’t stay inside their family.
It spills into every area of their life.
It impacts how they show up everywhere.
The stress bleeds into their work, their marriage, their friendships, and how they take care of themselves.
It hijacks their life. Prevents them from showing up as who they will want to be.
I’m speaking to the stepmoms who can accept the hard truths about what needs to change and what never will.
This is where the tension in my work lives.
And it’s exactly why reviews like the one I’m about to share exist.
The KICK-ASS Stepmom Podcast Review
This morning, I woke up to a review on Apple Podcasts.
There were a few comments I want to address.
“Used to love Jamie, but she’s a little different than she used to be. As most of us are. But she’s made her money and she’s a lot more blunt and doesn’t seem to care too much about those in the trenches.”
“She’s never dealt with parental alienation. She won’t be able to speak to that. She can only speak to high conflict and working through drama. The problem is she thinks her advice covers parental alienation as well. She doesn’t understand what it’s like when a bio mom takes a child from their father and refuses visitation while still collecting child support. That has nothing to do with a stepmom, but she acts as if a stepmom not working on herself is the issue. She’s just not for everyone.”
Sometimes when I get reviews like this, the old people pleaser in me shows up.
One of the strategies I use when that happens is reading reviews from people I admire. Their work isn’t universally loved either. This helps me feel better.
Sometimes I respond.
Sometimes I don’t.
If it feels rational, or like there’s been a misunderstanding and space for conversation, I do.
This may be one of those times.
Though I’ll be honest. I’ve been wrong before.
Responding To Negative Reviews
This woman is right.
I do not have direct experience dealing with parental alienation as a stepmom. While I experienced elements of it as a child, it was not part of our stepfamily journey.
That’s why I have never hosted masterclasses or created direct support around parental alienation. Inside my App and Elevate you won’t see a workshop on Parental Alientation.
What I have done is bring on experts who do speak to this topic on the The KICK-ASS Stepmom Podcast.
INSERT LINKS TO PODCAST HERE
Working on Yourself As A Stepmom Won’t Solve Your Problems
In the review, she said,
“She acts like not working on yourself is the issue.”
Let me be very clear.
Working on yourself will not solve your stepfamily stressors.
It will not make the ex less high conflict.
It will not heal your stepkids’ trauma or undo loyalty binds.
It will not fix an unfair legal system.
Doing the work does not change the situation.
It changes how you move through it.
It changes what happens inside you when the message comes in.
When your stomach drops and you open Notes to rewrite a response five different ways.
When pickup is coming and your chest tightens before anything has even happened.
When the conflict is technically over, but your body hasn’t caught up yet.
.
Working on yourself won’t stop the hard moments.
But it stops them from consuming you.
What it will do:
It helps you understand your triggers. Why your partner says, “Just let it go,” but your nervous system won’t settle and the feeling in your chest lingers.
It teaches you how to respond instead of react. So you’re not fueling conflict. You’re minimizing it.
It gives you the mental bandwidth and resilience to deal with what comes up without operating from depletion. And we all know exhausted, activated versions of ourselves don’t show up the way we want to. (Anyone else ever woke up in the morning feeling sick about how you reponded the night before)
I could go on.
There is so much in stepfamily life you cannot control.
But what I’ve seen from working with over 4,500 stepmoms across more than 30 countries is this.
When women actually get to know themselves, their capacity to handle deeply stressful and unfair situations gets stronger.
In a dynamic where so much is outside of your control, this is one thing that isn’t.
And this work is not for everyone.
It’s not for the stepmom who is still waiting for someone else to change first.
It’s not for the stepmom who wants validation without responsibility.
It’s not for the stepmom who wants the situation fixed without changing how she relates to it.
It is for the stepmom who knows something has to shift, even if the circumstances don’t.
Often, when women do this work, marriages improve.
They’re less hijacked by conflict.
They stop being consumed by co-parenting chaos.
They are more connected with thier stepkids.
They create systems that reduce stress and address the real issues head on.
I know what it feels like to be a stepmom in the trenches.
I’ve been there.
The shaking hands after a lawyer’s letter.
The arguments with your partner about his ex.
The tightness in your chest that won’t go away.
The anticipatory anxiety, even when there’s “nothing” to be anxious about.
The mental space the other house takes up, even when you don’t want to admit it.
The way conflict with the ex bleeds into your marriage.
The constant second guessing. When to step in. When to step back.
How it feels like you’re the punching bag for unhealed wounds in the stepfamily dynamic.
The guilt for how you really feel about stepfamily life.
I know.
I’ve been there.
And I continue to hold women’s hands while they are there.
Being on the other side of it doesn’t mean I don’t care.
It means I can see it clearly.
I know what works.
I know what doesn’t.
And I’ve built a system that can change the trajectory of your stepfamily life.
Not by fixing the problems.
But by making sure they don’t consume your body, your marriage, or your life.
Because this work isn’t about fixing stepfamily life.
It’s about disengaging from what’s not serving you without disconnecting from what matters most.
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These are just two of the episodes I've done... You can find more on Apple and Spotify.
Working on Yourself As A Stepmom Won’t Solve Your Problems
In the review, she said,
“She acts like not working on yourself is the issue.”
Let me be very clear.
Working on yourself will not solve your stepfamily stressors.
It will not make the ex less high conflict.
It will not heal your stepkids’ trauma or undo loyalty binds.
It will not fix an unfair legal system.
Doing the work does not change the situation.
It changes how you move through it.
It changes what happens inside you when the message comes in.
When your stomach drops and you open Notes to rewrite a response five different ways.
When pickup is coming and your chest tightens before anything has even happened.
When the conflict is technically over, but your body hasn’t caught up yet.
.
Working on yourself won’t stop the hard moments.
But it stops them from consuming you.
What it will do:
It helps you understand your triggers. Why your partner says, “Just let it go,” but your nervous system won’t settle and the feeling in your chest lingers.
It teaches you how to respond instead of react. So you’re not fueling conflict. You’re minimizing it.
It gives you the mental bandwidth and resilience to deal with what comes up without operating from depletion. And we all know exhausted, activated versions of ourselves don’t show up the way we want to. (Anyone else ever woke up in the morning feeling sick about how you reponded the night before)
I could go on.
There is so much in stepfamily life you cannot control.
But what I’ve seen from working with over 4,500 stepmoms across more than 30 countries is this.
When women actually get to know themselves, their capacity to handle deeply stressful and unfair situations gets stronger.
In a dynamic where so much is outside of your control, this is one thing that isn’t.
And this work is not for everyone.
It’s not for the stepmom who is still waiting for someone else to change first.
It’s not for the stepmom who wants validation without responsibility.
It’s not for the stepmom who wants the situation fixed without changing how she relates to it.
It is for the stepmom who knows something has to shift, even if the circumstances don’t.
Often, when women do this work, marriages improve.
They’re less hijacked by conflict.
They stop being consumed by co-parenting chaos.
They are more connected with thier stepkids.
They create systems that reduce stress and address the real issues head on.
I know what it feels like to be a stepmom in the trenches.
I’ve been there.
The shaking hands after a lawyer’s letter.
The arguments with your partner about his ex.
The tightness in your chest that won’t go away.
The anticipatory anxiety, even when there’s “nothing” to be anxious about.
The mental space the other house takes up, even when you don’t want to admit it.
The way conflict with the ex bleeds into your marriage.
The constant second guessing. When to step in. When to step back.
How it feels like you’re the punching bag for unhealed wounds in the stepfamily dynamic.
The guilt for how you really feel about stepfamily life.
I know.
I’ve been there.
And I continue to hold women’s hands while they are there.
Being on the other side of it doesn’t mean I don’t care.
It means I can see it clearly.
I know what works.
I know what doesn’t.
And I’ve built a system that can change the trajectory of your stepfamily life.
Not by fixing the problems.
But by making sure they don’t consume your body, your marriage, or your life.
Because this work isn’t about fixing stepfamily life.
It’s about disengaging from what’s not serving you without disconnecting from what matters most.
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